The Good Life

So being a doctor is the shit huh?  Everyone wants to run around looking all hot and sexy like you know who. But there is a larger reality.  A method to this madness if you will.  You get to BUST YOUR A** learning all the things that the NBME thinks that you should know about everything your medical school doesn’t deem necessary to include in the classroom.  Its really fun.  Especially when you only have a couple of days to learn a whole semesters worth of information.  Especially when all you want to do is this, or watch this, oh ok or stare at this.

But then you get done and it feels great.  But the powers that be have more fun in store for you.  You know all those exams that are really uncomfortable?  You know the ones I’m talking about.  Either getting your balls or boobs felt up?  Or getting a finger way up where the sun doesn’t shine?  Yeah.  That’s the schedule for RIGHT after the hardest exam of your med school career.  Oh and don’t get excited.  They don’t look like this. They look like this. And when the guy your trying to learn from looks like this and proceeds to have a “teaching moment” about erections when your hands are on his junk….well you get the idea.

Oh and best of all if your an immature jerk off like me you will start hysterically laughing when your partner shoves his hand up the old creepy guys bung hole. Then your partner thinks (knows) that your really a jerk off and shouldn’t be in medical school.  But luckily you picked a good medical school (I told you to) and he starts laughing too.  So then one of you has your finger knuckle deep in a dudes bum and you are both laughing.  Yeah medical school is sexy like that.  Oh yes.  And he will deny it…but his (my partner’s)finger came out looking like this.

So next time you think about how much fun medical school is, just remember all the tests you have to take, saggy boobs you have to touch, penis’s you have to play with, and bums you have to stick your finger in.  You should just go for a surf.

A long while

Its been forever since I wrote anything here and thats kinda the culmination of a whole bunch of things.  Med school was really crappy there at the end and I just more or less hated my life.  Test, study, test, study, play video games and play and feel bad for not studying, test… you get the idea.

There was however one good thing that happened.  I hung out with some MS4’s who were actually really cool.  They talked about all the fun things they get to do like climb this, and this.  And doing both of these things while they pretend like they are learning medicine.  (how weird that I typed in “climb Rainer” and this popped up on google…at least she’s hot) Plus the guys were actually stoked on being a Doctor.  Not many of my friends really even seem to care any more except…you know.  So this was a plus.

On the other hand this semester is even more busy than the first and all I have to do is dream that I would have chosen to go to that other med school.

If your still checking in after all this time…I appreciate it.  Maybe I’ll try to come back more often.

This is important.

OK now if you’re applying to school right now your probably trying to decide between schools depending on certain ways they teach; because your entirely to good to decide based on how cool the city is, or more importantly how cool the students are.  So here is something I can tell you to def. avoid.  If your potential school teaches basic science with clinical correlations; then turn and run.  There is absolutely no reason to put yourself through this hell.  You will have some clinicians in your biochem class talking about these extremely complex mechanisms that require a much deeper understanding than your worthless first year a** has.

What makes all this much harder to endure is that they giggle or pat themselves on the back for understanding clinical medicine. Oh yes, they will also tell you and all your classmates that you should have prepared better for class while they detail some mechanism that is 10 chapters ahead but expect you to know none the less.  This being a class where grading is more or less full credit just for showing up…during a test week.  Yeeeeaaaaahhh.  I’m gonna waste any of my precious time studying for what I consider one of my “biggest time killer classes”.

So.  Do not sign up for any goofy medical school that tries to give you clinical correlates before you understand the basic science. Although doing so will give you a legit chance to hate on some of your other medical students because the make jackass’ of themselves but I’ll save that for another post.

Me oh my,  where are all the cool medical students at (wander where she went to medical school)?

Your humble correspondent.

OK so I lied.

Its not OK to be a dentist.  In fact, it would suck.  What if you had to work on this guy (it says they smell bad too). But still there could be worse jobs.  Like I don’t know.  This?  Na I’m not going to hate on Vets.  I have good friends who are veterinarians.  And it might have actually have been a better route for me to go.  I mean I don’t have much of an opportunity to live in the mountains unless I want to be a family practitioner.  But then again it is harder to be a vet in a place with beaches. I mean I guess being a vet and being a doc are decent jobs.  I mean good god you could have ended up a dentist. Or a GD pharmacist.  Then you’d just have to kill yourself.

Your humble correspondent.

I shoulda been a Dentist

And I say that only half in jest.  I have some friends who are dentists.  And they are only half as retarded as people generally think they are.  I mean just cause they couldn’t get into medical school (You my boy blue!) doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get to pretend they are real doctors does it?  But in all seriousness Dentists get to make a lot of money and be shown a good deal of respect ( I kid, I kid).  If they go into oral surgery or something like that they actually get to cut people.  Sometimes surfers get into accidents and need surgery right?  And anyway cutting people is good. Or so I thought.

So yeah I started out wanting to go into Urology.  It was surgery.  But it afforded somewhat of a lifestyle as well.  Now I’m starting to lean away from penis doctoring.  I’m not sure that I’m not going to go that route, but general medicine seems kinda cool too (and no not just cause I get B’s you F*&^#’n SOB).  I mean you get to do new stuff all the time, there are new problems, new patients, new diseases.  It kinda keeps you on your toes.  The Urologist I was talking to cites about 3 different surgeries you get to do often (and thats with all surgical specialties you surgery Nazi’s).  Now I know there are more.  But you will generally be doing the same things over, and over, and over again.  And yes you can always switch and do clinics in Urology, but then your stuck where you didn’t want to be.  The reason why people don’t go into Urology.  You’d be a penis looker atter.  Not my bag.  Add that to the fact that you have to do a two years of general surgery and then 3 of Urology and things start looking dicey.  So now I’m looking at cutting people.  Or pretending I’m Motha F*&^%in HOUSE MD!  Or one of his sidekicks.

We shall see.

Your humble correspondent.

Its OK. Right?

So its becoming a trend.  I make B’s.  And I’m having to learn to accept that.  Most people who come to medical school would have to adapt to making B’s as awkward as that sounds to those not involved with something as stupid as I am.  So to this point, three tests…three B’s.

I do know some people who make A’s.  And to those people I have this to say.  Not everyone gets A’s.  Not everyone can get A’s.  If I was the one getting them (as I was in undergraduate) I would just keep my mouth f*^%$ing shut.  I dont wanna hear about it. Good for you.  You are smarter than me.  Did you lord it over people in undergraduate how easy stuff came to you?  If you did then your a douche. When I was getting good grades I told no one.  It happened waaaaay back then and thats apparent.  I’m in medical school.  But most of the people I went to school with thought I was a moron.

The only time its acceptable to let everyone know how much smarter you are is if its directly involved in chasing legit pu. And that means only if she is drop dead gorgeous, cool, and not after you for all the money your going to make. Then its ok.  Then people will look over it.  And if they don’t?  F&%$ em.

So in conclusion.  I’m not that smart but I can probably get through this whole ordeal called medical school.  Nerds are annoying. And finally, and possibly most importantly, its ok to be annoying if its for the greater good.

Your humble corespondent.

Cut em up.

One small step on the road to becoming a doctor involves cutting up a dead person.  This is a REALLY awkward place to find yourself, even after having matriculated at medical school for a month or so.  And tough guy, shmuf guy cutting up on a dead grandma or grandpa is NOT run of the mill.

So how does it work?  First off you get in and get all scrubbed up like your cool.  You actually see all your classmates looking like doctors (gawd she’s hott) and it scares the ____ out of you. Then you begin pretending like your undergraduate institution prepared you for this, and get real, no ones has.  I’m at a table with a PhD candidate and two people with degrees from top ten schools.  And we F&$*ed it up nice and proper.

So there you go, cutting this and resecting that and the next thing you know you’ve cut something you weren’t supposed to, and some important muscle is now…well more or less shite.  This is not good.  Everyone at the table is a type A personality and blaming it on each other all passive aggressively and nothing is getting done.  Then occasionally someone will push down where they shouldn’t and this happens.  Except not going out going in.  The next shot gets in someone’s mouth, and there you have it.  They’re off!

So that is one day you have to look forward to in medical school.  You will feel like a moron (I dont care how well you did in undergrad anatomy).  And you will leave feeling animosity towards perfectly decent people.  Good on ya.  And whats worse is your reading about all of this BEFORE you go.

Now on a lighter note.  I know people are coming here and reading this (I’m really a government spy and know all the porn your looking for every time you come here) so do me a favor and leave a comment.  Tell your friends to check it out.  Maybe I can make some cheez from this little thing.

Oh and before I forget.<— best one yet.

Your humble correspondent.

It Hurts so Good.

So we finished our first test this week.  It was Biochem and I got a…..B.  F*^%.  I’ve never been a B student if I actually tried.  And although I had a crap load of personal stuff going on this week I still thought I was on point enough to get an A.  But alas this is the nature of the endeavor in which I am involved.

It would be nice to just drink up and spend some time doing things I like.  Remember when you were an undergrad (maybe right now), what did you do after a test.  This?  This?  This?  Well be careful if you come to medical school because when your done with a test here then you get to do this.  And I mean the books you moron.

But I have spent way to much time on this post already.  Hopefully the test will go better this week and then I will have time to do some stuff I enjoy.  Maybe some of this?

Your humble corespondent.

Test This Week

And God said, “Study your biochem” and there was studying. And God saw that the studying was good; and God separated the questions that might be asked, and the information that was garbage. God called the test questions interesting, and the other he called Shite. And there was evening and there was morning, one day (and then his humble servant decided to drink and watch the tudors till the morning of the second day).

I’m a Real Fake Doctor

So today was the first day in the hopital.  We went to see a patient and learned about how to interview her.  We were taught the appropriate questions to ask, and how to remain empathetic as we try to dig for the information that we need to diagnose the problem.

This was a really big deal.  The things they taught us are pretty basic, but still it helps you remember why you are learning all the other stuff.  That class is annoying; as it is a lot of discussion and  rehashing things that you probably know unless your a doctor kinda like this, but at the same time it IS motivational.

Now for the patient.  She was a very sad elderly lady.  She had all sort of family problems and you could tell that she was really struggling.  She lived alone, and her children and grandchildren just don’t make it out to see her enough (which reminds me I need to call Mom).  It is really surreal to know that in a few short years I will be the person responsible for her care.  That is both wonderful and terrifying.

So anyway, that is where I am.  I actually got asked what speciality I was thinking of the other day…which is crazy since its the second week of med school and its pretty hard to come right out and say I started out wanting to do this. Yes thats right I want to be a penis doctor.

Well I guess I better go…but might as well put up another one of these just for fun.  MMMMMM nurses are hot!

Your humble corespondent.